“I will never forgive her for what she did to me!”
“I’ll forgive him but I’m never going to forget how much he hurt me . . . and I’ll never let him forget it either!”
“She destroyed my life! How can you ask me to forgive her?”
We’ve all heard statements like these before, maybe even uttered them ourselves, but the truth of the matter is that God commands us to forgive others. It isn’t an option. In fact, it is a prerequisite to receiving His forgiveness ourselves.
Forgiveness is required by God and it is His design to bring us into freedom! Share on X
Matt. 6:14-15 If you forgive people when they sin against you, then your Father will forgive you when you sin against Him and when you sin against your neighbor. But if you do not forgive your neighbor’s sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (The Voice)
Welcome to FREEDOM FRIDAY – A devotional, emotional, spiritual and sometimes hysterical series that I will be sharing on occasional Fridays, in addition to my regular Old Things New posts. Why? Because though once bound in chains Christ has set me free – FREE to live, to love, to dance, to sing, to be who God created me to be!
How do you write a short post about forgiveness? It is so complicated when there are levels of wounding in our lives. It is much easier to forgive my husband for forgetting to pick up my bar of Ghirardelli Sea Salt Soiree at the grocery store than it is to forgive someone who caused great emotional damage in my life.
This post is longer than usual and I won’t apologize for that because I really want you to get this! I see too many Christ followers living in bondage to unforgiveness and my deep desire is to see all set free to live life to the fullest! This message of hope and healing is pulled from the best of what I’ve learned through Freedom Session, my own studies on forgiveness, and from sitting under great Pastors!
So grab a beverage, get comfy, and let’s get started.
In the blog post entitled When You’re Not Enough, I talked about some of the steps I’ve taken to overcoming feelings of great inadequacy in my own life. One of the most dramatic breakthroughs I’ve had was my experience of self-forgiveness, which I shared in Forgiving Yourself. Today I want to talk about Forgiving Others.
Forgiveness is really the KEY to freedom. That’s why it is so important that we forgive those who’ve harmed us and that’s why God commands us to do so. When we refuse to forgive, we allow our enemy the devil to have a foothold in our lives (Foothold: a secure position from which further progress may be made). When we choose to forgive, Satan’s power is broken and we open the door for God to work fully in our lives.
So let’s talk about keys. We all know that a key is used to open locks. Living our lives with unforgiveness toward others causes us to be imprisoned behind a locked door. A prison filled with bitterness, anger, and resentment.
Believe me, I’m speaking from personal experience here. When I lived in my own prison of unforgiveness, each time a hurtful memory arose I’d rehash it, reliving the pain. The pain became anger which I felt quite justified in having. Sometimes I’d even bring my husband into the rehashing of the memory and get him to agree with me about how horribly I’d been treated. My poor hubby heard over and over about those who had wounded me, and since some of the same people had wounded him too, we gave some serious time to reliving our tales of woe. Yuck! To be honest, it felt good for awhile, with the release of pent up emotion, but the feelings resurfaced again and again until I chose forgiveness.
Here’s the TRUTH:
Now you may question why I would call unforgiveness a jail of your own making when the actions of another person are what caused the pain you feel. While it’s true that the pain was caused by someone else, continuing to live in the pain through unforgiveness is a choice. You hold the key of forgiveness in your hand and you make the choice to use or not to use that key.
When we live in a prison of unforgiveness we live with the ongoing personal effects of being hurt. Those hurts may cause us to feel like we aren’t enough or that we are unworthy. We may feel great rage at others, or even at ourselves for allowing ourselves to be hurt by another. I may feel that nothing good ever comes to me and that God cares about what happens to other people but He must not care about me.
It is a miserable and toxic environment that keeps our emotions in turmoil, often leading to mental disease, physical ailments, even death. In order to survive the pain we may try to mask it through drugs and alcohol, cutting, pornography, or more acceptable behaviors such as perfectionism, achievement, workaholism, or being a super worker at church!
The sad thing is, the person who hurt you may not even know that they hurt you, may not remember that they hurt you, or they may not remember YOU at all! But here you are, living with the consequences of their sin. My husband, master of witty phrases, says that, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
On the other hand:
So how do we forgive? Pastor Ken Dyck, writer and founder of Freedom Session International states that, “True forgiveness is always motivated by compassion.” Matthew 18:21-35 tells the story of the unmerciful servant who was forgiven by his master but refused to forgive one who owed him a debt. Verse 35 sums up the story by saying that forgiveness must come from the very depths of our hearts!
How do we feel compassion for those who’ve hurt us? That kind of compassion can only come from God and from having come to a place of realizing how much my own sin cost Father God and His son Jesus. Hopefully you’ve come to a place of agreeing with God that you are a sinner and you’ve accepted Him as your Savior, but have you ever experienced deep sorrow over the pain your actions caused Him? I’m not saying you need to go back into an attitude of shame and condemnation (I talked about how wrong that is in my last FF post). What I’m saying here is that coming to a heartfelt understanding of how great His mercy was to save you will help you to have a heart for forgiving others.
Things to think about regarding forgiveness:
- We must come into agreement with God that UNforgiveness is WRONG.
- Understand that forgiveness is required even if the person who harmed you is not sorry.
- Know that forgiveness is a choice – because you won’t feel like doing it.
- Understand that forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. God has the ability to forget but we don’t. Pastor Ken Dyck states that, “Sadness, not bitterness, is the appropriate emotion to recall, in my memory, of the painful things that have happened to me.”
- Complete forgiveness includes releasing our “judgments” against others. Ex. “I’ve forgiven Sally but she will always be a liar.” This is in effect holding Sally captive by our judgment about who she is rather than seeing her as God does.
- Stop having negative expectations of others or expecting them to do wrong.
- Forgive even if the person who wronged you hasn’t asked for forgiveness. Christ’s example to those who crucified him was to say, “Father forgive them. They don’t know what they’re doing.”
- Don’t carry expectations that the person you’ve forgiven will come to you and make things right.
- Stop the “instant replay” of the incident, or the sin against you. Pastor Roy Geesey of Outreach Church says, “You can spend your whole life dwelling on what’s been done to you or choose to dwell on the ONE thing that was done for you.”. So take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ – II Cor. 10:5, and choose to dwell on whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, excellent or praiseworthy – Phil. 4:8
- Determine in your heart that Christ in you is stronger than your memory.
- Ask God to give you His view of the people who harmed you, to see them the way He sees them. It is likely that their sin against you is a result of their own brokenness.
- Ask God to work in your heart, releasing the pain you’ve held onto and letting Him fill you with more of Him. “The deeper you’ve been wounded the more freedom you will experience when you begin to forgive.” (Pastor Ken Dyck)
- It takes time, but His love will replace bitterness and pain and His Spirit will change your way of thinking. As the memories and the feelings arise again to haunt you, remember that it is the enemies goal to keep you and me in a prison of unforgiveness. By choosing forgiveness we choose freedom!
- “Yeah . . . but . . .” Yeah but nothing! We need to stop trying to justify our perceived right to be offended. Jesus didn’t give us that right. It only keeps us in a place of fear, bitterness and pain and from living in the the fullness of God!
- As we walk in intimacy with Jesus, taking on Christ’s nature, forgiveness becomes easier, especially in light of all He has done for you and ME!
*PRAYER OF FORGIVENESS:
Lord, I forgive…_____________(name the person)
for…______________________(describe the offense)
which made me feel…______________(verbalize painful feelings)
- name and describe everything the person did to you that hurt you. Tell God how much it hurt and what you were longing for…
- Pray the exact same prayer for each offense you feel that person committed against you.
Then, continue with a prayer such as…
But now, I choose to forgive_______________and release him/her into Your care/accountability. I choose to bear the consequences of their sin against me without bitterness, knowing that You already paid for it on the cross.
Please forgive me for how I’ve sought to protect my heart from being hurt again. I acknowledge that You alone are the protector of my heart & I choose to trust You.
Fill this area in my life with Your Holy Spirit and heal this wound.
Thank You for freeing me from the poison of bitterness.
I relinquish my perceived right to seek revenge or blame this person for any dysfunction or present pain in life as I take responsibility for my own life choices. They owe me nothing! I ask You to heal my damaged emotions from this memory.
I now ask You to bless this person and to pour Your love into my heart for this person & I commit myself to follow You in any steps of reconciliation You ask me to take.
Note: Stay with each person until all the offenses have been dealt with. Stay with that person until you’ve released all your anger and bitterness. You may need to forgive one person for many events.
Offer a prayer of praise to God for the freedom you will experience and practice forgiveness as a lifestyle to maintain your freedom.
*Taken from Freedom Session – 6 Steps from Darkness to Light, p.148, © 2013 Freedom Session Resources, Vancouver Canada. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Question: Was God’s name on your list of those to forgive?
Hmmm . . . maybe that’s another post, for another day.
FINAL NOTE: I haven’t discussed those who may still be “dangerous” to you or those who are toxic in your life. That is a whole different topic. Joyce Meyer shares in her testimony how she forgave her father for repeated sexual abuse that happened while she was a child. She even invited him into her home to live when he became ill. THAT is amazing, and THAT is what ultimate forgiveness looks like! It takes much growth in forgiveness to do something like that, but what an amazing testimony she has to share of the power of God to heal and set us free when we choose to forgive.
Dear readers, if you are living in unforgiveness, please consider how you’re harming yourselves! As I write these Freedom Friday posts I always ask God to pour His heart into the words I say. He is faithful and He always does. So if you’re questioning whether or not God cares about you, you can believe that these words, written from my heart, are also from God’s heart to yours.
Blessings,
All photos were taken in Alaska by the incredibly talented Mr. Old Things New.
I have been know to link to the following Inspirational Parties:
Wednesdays A Wise Woman Builds Her Home Wednesday Prayer Girls Woman to Woman Word Filled Wednesdays A Little R & R Whole Hearted Home So Much at Home Mom’s Morning Coffee Women with Intention Coffee for Your Heart Capture Your Journey
Thursdays Serving Joyfully/Thriving Thursdays The Deliberate Mom/Shine Blog Hop I Choose Joy Live Free Thursday Thought Provoking Thursday Imparting Grace
Fridays A Look at the Book Christian Mommy Blogger Fellowship Fridays Blessing Counters Missional Women Faith Filled Fridays Faith & Fellowship Bloghop Grace & Truth Linkup Grace&TruthSharingRedemption’sStories Dance With Jesus The Weekend Brew
Saturdays Still Saturday The Weekend Brew Saturday Soiree Recommendation Saturday Make My Saturday Sweet
Sundays Spiritual Sundays Sunday Stillness
Wendy Johnson says
Well, I thought I was farther along than I am, thanks for the guide.
Mary Geisen says
I love how you explored forgiveness today. Your tweet that speaks of every act of unforgiveness as a lock on the jail cell of our own making was very powerful. The image of that alone speaks volumes to me. My post this week about being redeemed in Christ, parallels yours in the fact that we hold things from our past so tightly that after awhile we come to feel it is normal. We don’t even think about releasing that which needs to be forgiven because we follow an out of sight out of mind policy. I had a beautiful experience two weeks ago that left me in awe of the amazing power of God when we choose to surrender that dark place out in the open and ask for forgiveness. Have a beautiful weekend!
Sharon H says
Well, my dear Patti…..as usual I’m trying to finish reading this through blurry, teary eyes! I love how you let our Father speak through you. I want to share this with so many people I know who are living in their own self-inflicted jail cells. And speaking as a Psych nurse, you hit the nail on the head when you said, ” To be honest, it felt good for awhile, with the release of pent up emotion, but the feelings resurfaced again and again until I chose forgiveness.” It does feel good for awhile as we experience the comfortnes in that hurtful, emotional pain. And I believe God understands that human failing in us, and in a small way it’s okay to indulge in a brief self pity party. But too often many of us never learn how to let go of it; how to adequately move on. And there are many, many people who frequent the psych units because they were hurt so badly that they learned inappropriate coping skills, such as cutting or any of that type of self inflicted punishment. (When we do that, it releases Endorphines that “feel good” in a sense, so we use it to cope) Others learn to manipulate everyone around them in an attempt to feel better about themselves, and some of them are cutters also. Sadly, not enough of them find that God is the only “real” way to find peace and healing. I know your FF messages must be reaching someone who is learning about God’s Love for them.
tracy says
Good morning. This is just what I needed for awhile. I CAN’T forgive. It is so hard for me to let go. When I am alone, all the hurt pours into my thoughts, clouding my quiet time. While I am cleaning the house, it is a habit, one I need to break NOW, to think of people that upset me. It is so hard. I really do try and leave it go. Hurt will not stay in my life, I will let it go. And yes I have done the same thing with my husband. I tell him again and again how they hurt me and he says yes I know but let it go. He will do the same and rehash it with me but then he reminds me how some of those people have passed and I need to stop. It is so hard, so frustrating. I have printed out the prayer to say. Thank you for your loving words. I want this to be the start of a new me.
Karen says
You give a lot to think about on the subject of forgiveness. I agree that it’s the only way to be free from deep wounds. AND #3 is absolutely crucial. Forgiveness begins with a choice, not feelings. Deliberate willful decision to “Cancel the debt” we believe someone owes us is crucial. it may take years for our feelings to follow suit, but reiterating the truth about our decision will open the door to our ‘jail cell.’ thanks for this foundational post!
wawoo says
Thank you for this. I am in an ongoing process to forgive my ex and the woman he left our family for. Some days I feel like I’ve forgiven them, then anger bubbles to the surface when I or one of my kids relives something from our past. I appreciate the list of things to think about… I will use these as I continue on my journey of forgiveness. Blessings!
Meg Gemelli says
I love that Galatians says Jesus sets us free for FREEDOM. For the very experience of being FREE, light, and unhindered in our faith. How could we not love God who died for that? What a deep post today. Thank you Patti:)
Betsy de Cruz says
Patti, this is such an important topic. Forgiveness is a BIG KEY to freedom in Christ. My husband wrote a dissertation on forgiveness in the church. It’s one of his passions. May the Lord use this words to bless many.
Dawn says
This made me stop and pause here, ” “True forgiveness is always motivated by compassion.”. Such a very necessary truth to keep in mind. Studying His compassion always leaves me humbled and in awe of His mercy.
Thanks for such a thoughtful sharing of your heart.
Blessings,
Dawn
Christina Morley says
Hi Patti! Thanks for leaving a sweet comment on my blog! Unfortunately, I’ve lost my comments on that post, but I did read yours. Your forgiveness post is full and overflowing. 😉 Your last photo with the sunset/sunrise is my favorite. Be blessed!
Sheryl says
I agree Forgiveness is really the KEY to freedom!
Pamela says
What an excellent article on forgiveness. I’ve felt the difference forgiveness made in my life. And my forgiveness offering doesn’t not come close to the forgiveness Jesus gave to me.
Anastasia says
“Forgiveness is really the KEY to freedom.” – This is so true. We create our own prison, like you said, when we don’t forgive. It is definitely a long process but so good for the soul. Great post!
Alison [Life of Scoop] says
There is so much truth here. I love your metaphor of unforgiveness locking us in a jail. And unlocking that jail cell with compassion is so needed! I think that so often we walk around harboring bitterness, anger, frustration, or hurt which crowds out the joy of true community! Unlocking those jail cells will bring just that – a compassionate community. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this often undiscussed topic!
Linda Stoll says
Thank you for this, Patti. A wall hanging in my office showed a broken heart stitched back together with wire. The word FORGIVE was displayed right underneath the mended place. After years of offering counsel to women, I’m sure that about 90% of them were in the counseling office because of some kind of issue related to forgiveness.
God heals. As we release the one who has wounded us so …
Jen Avellaneda says
Aw yes, the freedom that is ours through Jesus! Loved this quote about never being more like Jesus than when we forgive. Just retweeted it and passed it along. Thank you so much for sharing such a fabulous post at UNITE Link Party this week! Blessing and grace multiplied! ~ Jen Avellaneda @ http://www.richfaithrising.com
Michele Morin says
Miserable and toxic. Yes, this is such a good description, and all your metaphors today are so powerful.
May the Lord use your words to free many captives.
Terri Presser says
Absolutely fantastic post, and I really appreciate the steps to helping us forgive. Thank you for sharing at Good Morning Mondays. This has really got me thinking over some things I really need to let go of. Bless you.
MB says
Yes indeed forgiveness is a choice! We don’t have feel forgiving in order to forgive someone but we can ask God to change our hearts, as we make that choice to release them from our judegement (which is wrong) to His (which is righteous).