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Day 14 – Starting Over or Giving Up?

October 14, 2018 by Patti 3 Comments

The Write 31 Days Challenge – 31 Days,Every Day,One Topic

Day 14

(day 1 starts here)

The onset of Summer and life at the new lake house was a soothing balm to my soul.  Sunny weather is like that for me. As Kelly and I renewed our commitment to our marriage we began studying the attributes of God together, and God gradually began healing the hurt between us.

We found a new church with great teaching and beautiful people and it felt like the place we were meant to be.  We wanted the Pastor to know who we were up front, what we’d been through and how we were healing, because now more than ever we (I?) hoped that our marriage survival story would somehow be used to help others.  

Tell you what, you need more than a survival story to help others.  Survival as a noun means, to manage to continue or exist in spite of difficult circumstances. 

To offer real hope one needs to have done more than survive. One needs to exhibit real change in their life. Click To Tweet

Over dinner Pastor Rob and his wife Debbie listened to our story.  Every single part of it!

At the end, Debbie took a deep breath, looked at me and said,  “Wow, that’s a lot. You do know don’t you, that it’s okay to go on an antidepressant for awhile to get you through this? She also gave me the name of a good counselor. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Now before you judge what she said to me, her words were actually a relief to me, as I’d heard so many crazy things about depression in the past. “Buck up and get over it,” or “There’s something lacking in your faith.” She understood and empathized with my pain and wanted to see me well. Click To Tweet

By the way, the Pastor didn’t jump at our offer to start some kind of support group that night. Nope, not at all!  Here, in this church, we would continue to grow together, and here God would begin real change in my heart.

But not quite yet!

For awhile I would deny my pain (because Kelly and I were getting better y’all!) and continue striving to be good in order to cover old and deep-seated shame.  

I might’ve continued to do that for a long time (I know a lot of little old ladies living in pain) but our recent trauma wouldn’t allow my life of pretense to continue.

For awhile longer though, I was efficient at looking good at church and I also did a pretty good job of smiling my way through my work day.  I’d always been a quick study on past jobs but now I found that I had great difficulty concentrating on and learning my new job. It was hard but I pushed through each day and my mask held. Haha! At least I think it held because if they saw through it I was probably the topic of some interesting lunchroom conversations. 🙂

Settling into our new church I looked around and comparisons ran rampant.  My feelings of inadequacy deepened. Betrayal will often cause women to be distrustful of other women.  I was not only distrustful of women but, I told our Pastor's wife that I hated women! She responded with, 'One day you'll be ministering to women then.' Click To Tweet

My comparisons to other women weren’t limited to what was on the outside. I knew who I was on the inside. I knew that I was forgiven by God for all my sins but I felt like my sins were so much darker than those of the “beautiful” Christians I was surrounded with. Especially that sin. That sin I was planning on taking with me to the grave. Click To Tweet

In our new community I was alone a lot.  My husband’s new shift was two weeks of nights followed by two weeks off.  When he was working I would arrive home from work just as he was getting ready to go to work and I was usually gone when he came home in the morning.  Summer turned to Fall and Fall to Winter. Winters in the Pacific NW are dark, and dreary, and depressing.  I hadn’t made any real girlfriends yet so when I wasn’t at work I isolated.  Alone with dark thoughts that sent me into an increasingly downward spiral.

At my lowest I explained what I was feeling like this:

I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope and I’m way out in the middle of the rope with a wide chasm below me.  I know I can’t turn back and that my only hope is to move forward, but I’m afraid that any movement at all will send me reeling down into the abyss. And that will be the end of me.

And in all truth, I wanted it to be the end of me.

What will Day 15 hold? Come back to read Coming to the end of Myself.

 

To follow this series from Day 1 click right HERE.

And please feel free to share if you think this series might be valuable to someone you know.

I’ve been known to link up to the following great parties!!!

Sunday:

SundaysAtHome, LifeOnLakeshoreDrive, SilverPenniesSundays, RusticAndRefined, Spiritual Sundays

Monday:

IShouldBeMoppingTheFloor, TheDedicatedHouse, Dwellings, ProjectInspired,  InspireMeMonday, CelebrateYourStory, What Joy is Mine/Monday Musings, Darling Downs Diaries, The Art of Homemaking, MomentsOfHope, Glimpses, SittingAmongFriends, InspireMeMonday, GodSizedDreams

 

Tuesday:

TalkOfTheTown, HomeStoriesAtoZ, AStrollThruLife, CoastalCharm, CedarHillFarmhouse, TuesdaysAtOurHome, TheWinthropChronicles,  Rich Faith Rising Unite Linky, Testimony Tuesday,Cheerleaders of Faith,Tell His Story

Wednesday:

SavvySouthernStyle, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Word Filled Wednesdays, Coffee for Your Heart, MessyMarriage, ThreeWordWednesday,  WriterWednesday

Thursday:

ShareYourStyle, ImpartingGrace, EmbracingChange, HaveADailyCupOfMrsOlson, MyRepurposedLife, ADelightsomeLife, KatherinesCorner,  Thought Provoking Thursday, SincerelyPaulas, ThoughtfulThursday, Tune-inThursday

Friday:

FrenchCountryCottage, TheCharmOfHome, TheDedicatedHouseAnythingBlueFriday, ShabbyliciousFriday, Faith’nFriends,  Dance With Jesus FreshMarketFriday

Saturday:

FunkyJunkInteriors, SaturdaySparks, TheInspirationGallery, Make My Saturday Sweet

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Filed Under: Addiction, Christianity, Faith, Freedom, God's Grace, Perseverance Tagged With: Addiction, Christianity, Faith, Freedom, God's grace, Perseverance

« Day 13 – Only the Beginning of the Hard
Day 15 – Coming to the End of Myself »

Comments

  1. Jean Kruczynski says

    October 15, 2018 at 4:35 pm

    I’m at a loss for words. So happy that you now have girlfriends that love you and care about you!

    Reply
    • Patti says

      October 20, 2018 at 10:31 am

      Oh Jean. You have such a tender heart. I too am thankful for the girlfriends I have in my life, and I’m so happy that you are going to be my new neighbor!

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. God Speaks to my Heart & a Cute DIY – Old Things New says:
    October 17, 2018 at 12:15 pm

    […] « Day 14 – Starting Over or Giving Up? Day 16 – God Speaks to my Heart & a Cute DIY » […]

    Reply

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OldThingsNew

Welcome! I am Perfectly Imperfect Patti and I’d like to invite you to come in and take a seat in this creative space of mine.

I love the process of hunting for orphaned and cast off furniture (particularly my Chosen Chairs) and then taking the time to transform each piece into something new and beautiful. This process allows me to reflect upon my own story of transformation and blesses me over and over with each piece I redesign.

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💜Valentines Day is the day of love!💜 That’ 💜Valentines Day is the day of love!💜 That’s why I chose this day to share the 🎉Grand Opening 🎉of my custom chair design shop on Etsy. Whether you’re in the market for a new chair or not, I would love for y’all to go to my shop and check it out. You might even learn some things about me that you didn’t know before by clicking on the About page. 😉

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Still going strong after four rounds in the only p Still going strong after four rounds in the only program that has ever worked for me. Sure, I went off plan a few times over the holidays but E2M shows you how to get right back on track toward meeting your goals. It’s not about getting skinny but about being strong, and I feel better than I have in years. Sign ups are open for a limited time for the next 8-week round so check out the link for more info. #e2mpersonaltraining #e2mfitness #e2m #67strong

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“In 1965, Charles Schulz, a devout Christian and “In 1965, Charles Schulz, a devout Christian and creator of the Peanuts comic strip, was asked to create a Christmas special for CBS featuring the Peanuts Characters. He agreed with one requirement, that they allow him to include the story of the birth of Jesus. Although the stations executives were hesitant and tried to convince him otherwise, Schulz was insistent. As a result, for the past 50 plus years, millions of people have watched “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and heard the story of Jesus and “what Christmas is all about.”

It wasn’t until a few years back that I realized a “hidden message” in the film. Linus, a child who seems to have some insecurities as he carries a security blanket with him at all times. In fact, Linus NEVER drops his blanket, except once....

While sharing the message of “what Christmas is all about,” Linus drops his blanket at the exact moment he says the words, “fear not!”

In this seemingly innocent moment, Linus delivers a powerful reminder of the true meaning of Christmas. We are to “fear not”, for Jesus is born. We needn’t rely on material things for security, we have God with us, “Immanuel”, (Matthew 1:23) Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior - the true meaning of Christmas.

Awhile back, someone informed me, indignantly so, that Linus picks up his blanket at the end of the speech so my interpretation must be wrong. Well, he was right, Linus does pick up his blanket at the end of his speech. However, he “drops” it again later... 

Amid big, bright, colorful, shiny artificial trees, Charlie Brown chose the least of these, a little, wooden tree with just a few branches. Shortly thereafter, Linus uses his blanket to wrap about the base of the tree and says, “Maybe it just needs a little love”. In that moment, the tree “awakens”, stands tall and firm. A reminder that no matter who we are, how many mistakes we’ve made, a “little love” can make all the difference.

Let’s strive to “fear not” (Luke 2:10) and “love one another” (John 13:34), not just at Christmastime, but the whole year through.”

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